I've been writing about the culture and subcultures surrounding sex in this country for a while and there's a problem. Mainstream America has a sexual dysfunction, and the Me Too movement demonstrates I'm not the only one who sees it. But in the face of all the bad sex everywhere right now, I had a sexual experience so good it's worth talking about, because we all need good therapy sex to get us through this, and we need to know how to get it.
I met my new play partner online- always risky, but he confirmed his identity with me and chatting with him showed he was knowledgeable and safety-conscious, and seeing samples of his meticulously tied knots and jute kept in careful coils assured to me that I would be in good hands. After a long time of little-to-no action, especially beyond vanilla encounters, I was ecstatic to be in ropes again and asked if he was busy that night. Google Maps trolled me a bit, but I found him eventually, and I knew right away I was going to be very happy.
With the MeToo movement in full force, I was extra aware of the dynamics of consent and power exchange. The BDSM scene has long ago hashed through these issues out of necessity; we have various protocols, including conversations about likes and expectations, safewords and signals, and even signed contracts at times. There's no guesswork, no grey areas, and both (all) partners can expect to have a good experience.
I recently read a comment from the mainstream news regarding consent contracts in the MeToo era: fears that such a thing would take all the spontaneity out of sex, and that the sex would suffer for it. In my experience, the opposite is true.
I arrived, already a little aroused, and he had a list of activities ready for me to rate. It was an intimate get-to-know-you with exciting dirty talk as we went over how much I like to be spanked and tied up, whether I enjoyed butt plugs, how I would communicate my limits, and set an orgasm goal for the night (20 for me).
Out of the handful of encounters I've had in the past year or so, this was the only partner who had taken the time to do this with me, and only the second to take the care to make sure I was having an enjoyable experience too. It was spontaneous, because he knew what I liked and had no fear I would reject his kinks. It was designed to prolong and maximize the pleasure for both of us, and it was the best sex I've had in a long time.
He gave me a foot rub as we got to know each other, learning my body and cultivating comfort, then took my "spanking temperature" to determine my pain tolerance. We selected ropes and toys, and the bondage began.
I love ropes. I remember having my curiosity peaked at a young age by classic images of damsels melodramatically in distress, and I knew there was a forbidden nature to this desire but I wanted it anyway. It's important that feminism not be confused with prudishness, that sexuality not be confined to a smaller box than in already has been forced into. One can be a submissive and passionate feminist simultaneously, despite the programming I grew up with.
The ropes felt incredible- the restraint provides a strange comfort, like a hug, and the mobility limitation lets me be free, in a way, by letting go of controlling the spasms I experience in the thrall of pleasure. And whether or not there is a spiritual element intended in the scene, the energy rises within as the attention is forced into the present moment. Every breath, every silence and sound, the smell of the skin and the pound of your heart is magnified. As I lay tied down to the coffee table, nothing could make my mind wander, for the anticipation of the next strike of the whip, the shock of pain when it connected, the glide of his tongue along my thigh all kept me absorbing every sensation in slow-motion second that passed.
We moved up to his bedroom and I got to enjoy one of my favorite erotic activities- hot wax. It's been years! I don't care how spontaneous you think you are in bed, this doesn't happen without either serious communication and preparation or risking lawsuit, not to mention the wrong kind of wax can cause severe burns.
By the time we got to the main event, I was so wet and ready I almost came as he entered, but he started a game of orgasm control- building until I was ready to orgasm but holding it back until I received permission. It's a form of Tantra as well as D/s, much like a sexual version of meditation.
Final orgasm score?
Him: 5 Her: 50
Win-win!
After having a night of such good sex, I am struck by realizing how truly rare it is. Several males I interacted with recently were content to cum once and ignore me completely. Perhaps I should have spoken up to get what I wanted, but there we come to the point of this whole analysis: our culture has a set of unspoken rules of engagement about sex, programmed into our subconscious by thousands of years of outright, systemic sexism and homophobia that we can't even recognize for how ingrained it is into our perceptions of "normal." We fear to be different because our past has seen people ostracized, persecuted, or even murdered for their sexual deviance.
A toxic perception of masculinity is still encouraged in many circles, mainly those of powerful men, and while they will never admit it, the culture is designed to maintain the sexist status quo. "Bros before hoes!" is the mantra of the man who protects your rapist. Sexual assault is simply not recognized as a problem because these men all know they're responsible for it. Sexism is real, it is systematically applied, and it's existence will be denied every time, because it's part of the "guy code." The denial of its existence to the point of invisibility is by design, and is as effective as the campaign in recent years to paint everyone who experiences being under surveillance as paranoid, even though we have proof the practice is widespread. Society accepts the lie and ignores the victim.
America's perception of sexuality is based on watching porn, with people aspiring to attain this fantasy of what sex is "supposed" to look like. But the porn industry doesn't care if the sex is bad sex so long as it's faked well enough for the camera. So when we're afraid to communicate openly with our partners and bad sex becomes a goal, it's no wonder so many women think sex is a chore and fake their orgasms (guys- how do you know you haven't been fooled by the fakery all this time?)
We need examples of good sex! We need role models who can show us how to find chemistry, to let go of outdated ideas of genderism and normalcy. This is not a "queer agenda," to be accepted for who we are (indeed, "love thy neighbor"), but a rejection of the oppression inherent in the "traditional values" agenda.
To me, "traditional values" reeks of a short story called The Lottery, where an innocent woman is stoned to death in of adherence to tradition, and no one could conceive that the tradition was wrong. It's not a far jump from "traditional values" to Matthew Shepard, and we must never forget that.
Toxic masculinity and traditional patriarchy go hand in hand. It's time has come to change- the sexual revolution is finally really starting, I hope. We woke up to the problem, but we can't solve it with the same old failed methods. If we pay attention to new perspectives, there is a world of opportunity ahead of us to be more satisfied in our sex lives, more equally balanced economically with new markets opening up, etc. But I think the key to a win-win in the Battle of the Sexes is winning at sex.
