Sex: the good, the bad, and the ugly

I've been writing about the culture and subcultures surrounding sex in this country for a while and there's a problem. Mainstream America has a sexual dysfunction, and the Me Too movement demonstrates I'm not the only one who sees it. But in the face of all the bad sex everywhere right now, I had a sexual experience so good it's worth talking about, because we all need good therapy sex to get us through this, and we need to know how to get it.

I met my new play partner online- always risky, but he confirmed his identity with me and chatting with him showed he was knowledgeable and safety-conscious, and seeing samples of his meticulously tied knots and jute kept in careful coils assured to me that I would be in good hands. After a long time of little-to-no action, especially beyond vanilla encounters, I was ecstatic to be in ropes again and asked if he was busy that night. Google Maps trolled me a bit, but I found him eventually, and I knew right away I was going to be very happy. 

With the MeToo movement in full force, I was extra aware of the dynamics of consent and power exchange. The BDSM scene has long ago hashed through these issues out of necessity; we have various protocols, including conversations about likes and expectations, safewords and signals, and even signed contracts at times. There's no guesswork, no grey areas, and both (all) partners can expect to have a good experience. 

I recently read a comment from the mainstream news regarding consent contracts in the MeToo era: fears that such a thing would take all the spontaneity out of sex, and that the sex would suffer for it. In my experience, the opposite is true. 

I arrived, already a little aroused, and he had a list of activities ready for me to rate. It was an intimate get-to-know-you with exciting dirty talk as we went over how much I like to be spanked and tied up, whether I enjoyed butt plugs, how I would communicate my limits, and set an orgasm goal for the night (20 for me). 

Out of the handful of encounters I've had in the past year or so, this was the only partner who had taken the time to do this with me, and only the second to take the care to make sure I was having an enjoyable experience too. It was spontaneous, because he knew what I liked and had no fear I would reject his kinks. It was designed to prolong and maximize the pleasure for both of us, and it was the best sex I've had in a long time. 

He gave me a foot rub as we got to know each other, learning my body and cultivating comfort, then took my "spanking temperature" to determine my pain tolerance. We selected ropes and toys, and the bondage began. 

I love ropes. I remember having my curiosity peaked at a young age by classic images of damsels melodramatically in distress, and I knew there was a forbidden nature to this desire but I wanted it anyway. It's important that feminism not be confused with prudishness, that sexuality not be confined to a smaller box than in already has been forced into. One can be a submissive and passionate feminist simultaneously, despite the programming I grew up with. 

The ropes felt incredible- the restraint provides a strange comfort, like a hug, and the mobility limitation lets me be free, in a way, by letting go of controlling the spasms I experience in the thrall of pleasure. And whether or not there is a spiritual element intended in the scene, the energy rises within as the attention is forced into the present moment. Every breath, every silence and sound, the smell of the skin and the pound of your heart is magnified. As I lay tied down to the coffee table, nothing could make my mind wander, for the anticipation of the next strike of the whip, the shock of pain when it connected, the glide of his tongue along my thigh all kept me absorbing every sensation in slow-motion second that passed. 

We moved up to his bedroom and I got to enjoy one of my favorite erotic activities- hot wax. It's been years! I don't care how spontaneous you think you are in bed, this doesn't happen without either serious communication and preparation or risking lawsuit, not to mention the wrong kind of wax can cause severe burns. 

By the time we got to the main event, I was so wet and ready I almost came as he entered, but he started a game of orgasm control- building until I was ready to orgasm but holding it back until I received permission. It's a form of Tantra as well as D/s, much like a sexual version of meditation. 

Final orgasm score?

Him: 5  Her: 50  

Win-win!

After having a night of such good sex, I am struck by realizing how truly rare it is. Several males I interacted with recently were content to cum once and ignore me completely. Perhaps I should have spoken up to get what I wanted, but there we come to the point of this whole analysis: our culture has a set of unspoken rules of engagement about sex, programmed into our subconscious by thousands of years of outright, systemic sexism and homophobia that we can't even recognize for how ingrained it is into our perceptions of "normal." We fear to be different because our past has seen people ostracized, persecuted, or even murdered for their sexual deviance. 

A toxic perception of masculinity is still encouraged in many circles, mainly those of powerful men, and while they will never admit it, the culture is designed to maintain the sexist status quo. "Bros before hoes!" is the mantra of the man who protects your rapist. Sexual assault is simply not recognized as a problem because these men all know they're responsible for it. Sexism is real, it is systematically applied, and it's existence will be denied every time, because it's part of the "guy code." The denial of its existence to the point of invisibility is by design, and is as effective as the campaign in recent years to paint everyone who experiences being under surveillance as paranoid, even though we have proof the practice is widespread. Society accepts the lie and ignores the victim.

America's perception of sexuality is based on watching porn, with people aspiring to attain this fantasy of what sex is "supposed" to look like. But the porn industry doesn't care if the sex is bad sex so long as it's faked well enough for the camera. So when we're afraid to communicate openly with our partners and bad sex becomes a goal, it's no wonder so many women think sex is a chore and fake their orgasms (guys- how do you know you haven't been fooled by the fakery all this time?) 

We need examples of good sex! We need role models who can show us how to find chemistry, to let go of outdated ideas of genderism and normalcy. This is not a "queer agenda," to be accepted for who we are (indeed, "love thy neighbor"), but a rejection of the oppression inherent in the "traditional values" agenda. 

To me, "traditional values" reeks of a short story called The Lottery, where an innocent woman is stoned to death in of adherence to tradition, and no one could conceive that the tradition was wrong. It's not a far jump from "traditional values" to Matthew Shepard, and we must never forget that. 

Toxic masculinity and traditional patriarchy go hand in hand. It's time has come to change- the sexual revolution is finally really starting, I hope. We woke up to the problem, but we can't solve it with the same old failed methods. If we pay attention to new perspectives, there is a world of opportunity ahead of us to be more satisfied in our sex lives, more equally balanced economically with new markets opening up, etc. But I think the key to a win-win in the Battle of the Sexes is winning at sex. 

Why Trump Maintains the Feud with Megyn Kelly- My Theory.

First, a confession: I am a woman attracted to gay men. Obviously that doesn't always work out, but when it does the threesomes are great. After a stint as a spokesmodel/submissive for

 the short-lived dungeon Libertine in Las Vegas and other experiences I shall not go into, I pride myself on an ability to recognize a man's sexual preferences by observing his mannerisms and personality.

I had never given Trump any thought in the matter before- I hadn't watched enough footage if the man to pick up the vibe. But watching a video yesterday, I was hit hard with it: This man wants to take it in the ass. And suddenly, everything Trump made sense.

At the time of Trump's rise, homosexuality would have held him back in the business world, and he has made every attempt to eliminate perceived weakness in his visage to compensate.

The way he deals with women says it all: he's not attracted to them, but he knows that being  surrounded by beautiful women woos the envy of straight men and makes him look powerful. So the only value a woman has to him is how she makes him look. That's why the remarks about his daughter- he has to convince the straight men that he's thinking about sex with these women. It's all overcompensation.

Megyn Kelly got too close to the truth, just by pointing out his misogyny, and that's why he can't let it go. He calls women disgusting names because he thinks women are disgusting. He uses a system to determine a woman's beauty- the only thing of value to him. It's completely formulaic and not based upon attraction, hense the numerical system/perfect 10, and in his world, he can simply demote the women who get in his way.

 The narcissism makes sense now- that's a tactic to attract men, not women. The towers and walls and money draw admiration from men. And the inflection in his voice, combined with the daintiness of his gestures, his posture, gait, and facial expressions all screams "gay" at me. The whining in his voice and appeals that he's not being treated fairly suggests to me that there's a deep subconscious dissatisfaction with having to play the role of a straight man.

I think Trump's feud with Megyn Kelly is that she's getting too close to blowing his cover... and maybe his chances with Putin.






Update: A picture is worth a thousand words.

Let's look at Ted Cruz here, on the right. He has a nice straight posture, shoulders are not sagging forward. At the larger debates, you could see similar postures on all the other candidates. Most straight men adopt this posture.

But Trump has what I call the "perky butt" posture, curling his derrière upward and pulling his shoulders back. Appropriate for Miss America competitors, but seen most often on the dance floor at your local gay club.

Explaining Polyamory

It's not unusual for me to say something that leaves other members of the conversation speechless; social acceptability of a topic usually doesn't come to my mind until after I see the reaction cross the face of my listener. One such topic that never fails to elicit a reaction, sometimes a visceral one, is my polyamorous lifestyle. It's like some people take it personally insulting, lashing out and refusing to allow a civil discussion of the matter. One woman recently told me I was ruining marriage in this country, and declared, since it was on FB, that she wasn't going to bother reading my responses "justifying" my "disgusting behavior" because obviously all I wanted was to sleep around. I think her husband must be cheating.

Polyamory is more complicated than that. It's got its own set of ethics to follow, based on the agreement made between Primary partners. Primary partners often cohabitate as a family, but not always. They decide the terms of their relationship and what kinds of secondary relationships may be had. Some relationships are triads, where all three members are romantically involved, or they may be a "V" with a person having a primary and a secondary. The geometry grows from there, with squares being common (two primary relationships that share), and larger communities. Polyamory is generally not about one-night-stands outside of a main relationship, like Swinging entails, but a development of meaningful relationships. Healthy relationships look and feel like an extended family, helping to support each other and fill each other's needs.

 There are a lot of personal reasons I have for being poly, which I won't go into today, but I admit it's not for everyone. It requires a greater level of openness and honesty than a monogamous relationship can survive on, and a willingness to take responsibility for emotions like jealousy, to free your partner from being expected to fill all your needs... No, not for everyone. But when so many comedians joke of how marriage is a prison, maybe it's the solution for some of us. For more information, I suggest The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.

On Sexual Orientation

Ben Carson made headlines this week for citing prison rape as proof that sexual orientation is a choice, a statement he has retracted in the wake of media backlash. In the amazing turnaround of public opinion in the last few years, his view is widely considered obsolete. Gay and lesbian people do not generally feel like they have a choice in the matter, that they are attracted to certain people and not others. Straight people work like that, too.


But let's talk about bisexuals, because bi people are so often left out of the spotlight. It seems ironic to me that in a time where we have become so accepting of homosexuality that we have chosen to turn a blind eye toward that part of the LGBT movement. See the article below for a study on bisexual identity and acceptance.


 I have a friend, who usually identifies as gay and is part of a large community, who once told me that he had to admit to himself that he was really bisexual, and that was difficult because bisexual men had a stigma in his community for being sex addicts who will fuck anything. How sad! And for bi people who don't identify as gay, most have little or no incentive to challenge the social order. They DO have a choice. And I think Ben Carson must be one of those people, and assumes everyone else is just like him. I would bet money that those people who claim most fervently that sexuality is a choice are all bisexual themselves, making the choice to be straight.

Update, 4-2-15

A pizzaria in Indiana came under fire for anti-gay sentiment, but the owner's words support my above theory. "That lifestyle is something they choose. I choose to be heterosexual. They choose to be homosexual. Why should I be beat over the head to go along with something they choose?" Kevin O'Conner of Memories Pizza said.

 He admits outright he chooses to be straight. Most straight people, when asked, will say they didn't choose to be straight, they just are. Clearly, Mr. O'Connor is attracted to men and yet chooses to not engage in same-sex behavior. That's not being straight, that's looking down your nose at your own bisexuality. The world has a million shades of grey, and sexuality is not a black-or-white  scenario.








http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2015/02/20/among-lgbt-americans-bisexuals-stand-out-when-it-comes-to-identity-acceptance/?utm_source=Pew+Research+Center&utm_campaign=9ee5ae90a3-Newsletter+Feb.+26%2C+2015&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_3e953b9b70-9ee5ae90a3-399511941

To see 50 Shades or not?

(This post originally appeared on my blog A New Paradigm.) Happy 50 Shades Day! Yes, I'm actually excited about this movie. I couldn't get through the book, but I think the movie will be better because the actors will give the characters more life and depth. But that's not what I'm excited for. I'm excited that it will reach an even bigger audience of vanilla people and give my community some visibility. Suddenly it's a note acceptable lifestyle, and perhaps somehow it will make room for polyamory to become more accepted, too. When co workers ask what i did over the weekend, I'm afraid to honestly answer. They all knew about Ru because we've been together a long time... But how do I explain my secondary when most of my coworkers don't even know I'm a Witch? Some of them are pretty conservative, so I've kept my mouth shut- I'm not trying to start drama. But it pains me that I can't be myself at work. For me, BDSM and polyamory essential to my sexual wellbeing. As an LGBT person says, "This is who I am," and "I was born this way," kink is not something I just use to spice up the sex life. I knew I was kinky before I knew I was sexual- I tried to get boys to tie me up or handcuff me WAY before I was even dating. (Cops and Robbers!) It's not just something to spice up my sex life, and it has served much deeper purposes in my life, as a catalyst for some spiritual experiences. But there's a lot of judgement and misinformation out there, and even potential discrimination. In Vegas I felt liberated, but the more conservative areas of the country- that is, virtually everywhere else- sexuality is still something to be hidden and deviance shamed. So I'm excited that it's coming out. We probably won't see it right away, but my boys and I and the girl we've been flirting with are going. To me, supporting this movie equals supporting the BDSM Scene and it's place in our culture.

BDSM and how it differs from abuse

http://www.miriamgrossmanmd.com/an-open-letter-to-young-people-about-fifty-shades-of-grey/ I read this open letter a few days ago, and really infuriated by the way this woman insists that BDSM equals abuse, always, without quarter. "Healthy girls dream of their wedding day, not handcuffs," she writes. Well, I've dreamed of bondage far longer than I've fantasized about sex. Not only to I resonate with the "born this way" mantra, there is another parallel with GLBT rights: psychiatrists once considered homosexuality an illness. BDSM is a composite acronym for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submition, Sadism & Masochism. When I submit myself to the will of another, I have to be able to trust them completely, which can deepen a relationship remarkably. There is a prior understanding of what is acceptable and what is not, and if I want the scene to end for any reason, I use my safe word. I know my Dom/me has not only my safety but my comfort in mind- nothing ruins the good pain of a whip like the bad pain of too tight bindings. Aside from the woman's blatant personal bias against BDSM, her attacks against it are unprofessional. A psychotherapist who lays judgement on her patients is unlikely to help them, but drive them further into their neuroses. Of course, she's a psychiatrist, which is really just a professional drug pusher. While I argue that BDSM is not abuse, there are people out there who will abuse others but call it BDSM. The other day, a college student allegedly assaulted another student and claimed he was reenacting a scene from Fifty Shades of Gray. The incident appears to have began consensual, but the man in the dominant position crossed several lines, the most important being ignoring the woman when she asked him to stop. (See http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6743956 ) In BDSM, consensuality is one of the three core values- safe,sane, consensual- and that consensuality may be revoked at any time with the use of a safe work ("red light" is a common one) or signal (like shaking a bell, if the sub is gagged or otherwise mute). Ironically, I feel far safer at a party with a bunch of fetishists than at a bar, for so many reasons. For one, everyone is very open and up front about themselves. You know what kinks each person has, people play publicly while "dungeon keepers" monitor safety and security, and usually there's no alcohol. I've definitely seen one guy I'd call "creepy" at a dungeon, but he was escorted out quickly. What makes one creep stand out from a group of perverts, you ask? He didn't talk to anyone, prowling behind the girls, then tried to get one to leave with him. Red flag! After the book was released, hardware stores were running out of rope and AA batteries sales skyrocketed. The next wave of that is starting now. As a Dom once told me,a guy who has seen one kinky movie is not a safe play-partner. It seems that the BDSM community needs to take responsibility to promote safe practices, so that we aren't unprepared for the flood of newbies.