Explaining Polyamory

It's not unusual for me to say something that leaves other members of the conversation speechless; social acceptability of a topic usually doesn't come to my mind until after I see the reaction cross the face of my listener. One such topic that never fails to elicit a reaction, sometimes a visceral one, is my polyamorous lifestyle. It's like some people take it personally insulting, lashing out and refusing to allow a civil discussion of the matter. One woman recently told me I was ruining marriage in this country, and declared, since it was on FB, that she wasn't going to bother reading my responses "justifying" my "disgusting behavior" because obviously all I wanted was to sleep around. I think her husband must be cheating.

Polyamory is more complicated than that. It's got its own set of ethics to follow, based on the agreement made between Primary partners. Primary partners often cohabitate as a family, but not always. They decide the terms of their relationship and what kinds of secondary relationships may be had. Some relationships are triads, where all three members are romantically involved, or they may be a "V" with a person having a primary and a secondary. The geometry grows from there, with squares being common (two primary relationships that share), and larger communities. Polyamory is generally not about one-night-stands outside of a main relationship, like Swinging entails, but a development of meaningful relationships. Healthy relationships look and feel like an extended family, helping to support each other and fill each other's needs.

 There are a lot of personal reasons I have for being poly, which I won't go into today, but I admit it's not for everyone. It requires a greater level of openness and honesty than a monogamous relationship can survive on, and a willingness to take responsibility for emotions like jealousy, to free your partner from being expected to fill all your needs... No, not for everyone. But when so many comedians joke of how marriage is a prison, maybe it's the solution for some of us. For more information, I suggest The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy.

On Sexual Orientation

Ben Carson made headlines this week for citing prison rape as proof that sexual orientation is a choice, a statement he has retracted in the wake of media backlash. In the amazing turnaround of public opinion in the last few years, his view is widely considered obsolete. Gay and lesbian people do not generally feel like they have a choice in the matter, that they are attracted to certain people and not others. Straight people work like that, too.


But let's talk about bisexuals, because bi people are so often left out of the spotlight. It seems ironic to me that in a time where we have become so accepting of homosexuality that we have chosen to turn a blind eye toward that part of the LGBT movement. See the article below for a study on bisexual identity and acceptance.


 I have a friend, who usually identifies as gay and is part of a large community, who once told me that he had to admit to himself that he was really bisexual, and that was difficult because bisexual men had a stigma in his community for being sex addicts who will fuck anything. How sad! And for bi people who don't identify as gay, most have little or no incentive to challenge the social order. They DO have a choice. And I think Ben Carson must be one of those people, and assumes everyone else is just like him. I would bet money that those people who claim most fervently that sexuality is a choice are all bisexual themselves, making the choice to be straight.

Update, 4-2-15

A pizzaria in Indiana came under fire for anti-gay sentiment, but the owner's words support my above theory. "That lifestyle is something they choose. I choose to be heterosexual. They choose to be homosexual. Why should I be beat over the head to go along with something they choose?" Kevin O'Conner of Memories Pizza said.

 He admits outright he chooses to be straight. Most straight people, when asked, will say they didn't choose to be straight, they just are. Clearly, Mr. O'Connor is attracted to men and yet chooses to not engage in same-sex behavior. That's not being straight, that's looking down your nose at your own bisexuality. The world has a million shades of grey, and sexuality is not a black-or-white  scenario.








http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2015/02/20/among-lgbt-americans-bisexuals-stand-out-when-it-comes-to-identity-acceptance/?utm_source=Pew+Research+Center&utm_campaign=9ee5ae90a3-Newsletter+Feb.+26%2C+2015&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_3e953b9b70-9ee5ae90a3-399511941

To see 50 Shades or not?

(This post originally appeared on my blog A New Paradigm.) Happy 50 Shades Day! Yes, I'm actually excited about this movie. I couldn't get through the book, but I think the movie will be better because the actors will give the characters more life and depth. But that's not what I'm excited for. I'm excited that it will reach an even bigger audience of vanilla people and give my community some visibility. Suddenly it's a note acceptable lifestyle, and perhaps somehow it will make room for polyamory to become more accepted, too. When co workers ask what i did over the weekend, I'm afraid to honestly answer. They all knew about Ru because we've been together a long time... But how do I explain my secondary when most of my coworkers don't even know I'm a Witch? Some of them are pretty conservative, so I've kept my mouth shut- I'm not trying to start drama. But it pains me that I can't be myself at work. For me, BDSM and polyamory essential to my sexual wellbeing. As an LGBT person says, "This is who I am," and "I was born this way," kink is not something I just use to spice up the sex life. I knew I was kinky before I knew I was sexual- I tried to get boys to tie me up or handcuff me WAY before I was even dating. (Cops and Robbers!) It's not just something to spice up my sex life, and it has served much deeper purposes in my life, as a catalyst for some spiritual experiences. But there's a lot of judgement and misinformation out there, and even potential discrimination. In Vegas I felt liberated, but the more conservative areas of the country- that is, virtually everywhere else- sexuality is still something to be hidden and deviance shamed. So I'm excited that it's coming out. We probably won't see it right away, but my boys and I and the girl we've been flirting with are going. To me, supporting this movie equals supporting the BDSM Scene and it's place in our culture.

BDSM and how it differs from abuse

http://www.miriamgrossmanmd.com/an-open-letter-to-young-people-about-fifty-shades-of-grey/ I read this open letter a few days ago, and really infuriated by the way this woman insists that BDSM equals abuse, always, without quarter. "Healthy girls dream of their wedding day, not handcuffs," she writes. Well, I've dreamed of bondage far longer than I've fantasized about sex. Not only to I resonate with the "born this way" mantra, there is another parallel with GLBT rights: psychiatrists once considered homosexuality an illness. BDSM is a composite acronym for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submition, Sadism & Masochism. When I submit myself to the will of another, I have to be able to trust them completely, which can deepen a relationship remarkably. There is a prior understanding of what is acceptable and what is not, and if I want the scene to end for any reason, I use my safe word. I know my Dom/me has not only my safety but my comfort in mind- nothing ruins the good pain of a whip like the bad pain of too tight bindings. Aside from the woman's blatant personal bias against BDSM, her attacks against it are unprofessional. A psychotherapist who lays judgement on her patients is unlikely to help them, but drive them further into their neuroses. Of course, she's a psychiatrist, which is really just a professional drug pusher. While I argue that BDSM is not abuse, there are people out there who will abuse others but call it BDSM. The other day, a college student allegedly assaulted another student and claimed he was reenacting a scene from Fifty Shades of Gray. The incident appears to have began consensual, but the man in the dominant position crossed several lines, the most important being ignoring the woman when she asked him to stop. (See http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/6743956 ) In BDSM, consensuality is one of the three core values- safe,sane, consensual- and that consensuality may be revoked at any time with the use of a safe work ("red light" is a common one) or signal (like shaking a bell, if the sub is gagged or otherwise mute). Ironically, I feel far safer at a party with a bunch of fetishists than at a bar, for so many reasons. For one, everyone is very open and up front about themselves. You know what kinks each person has, people play publicly while "dungeon keepers" monitor safety and security, and usually there's no alcohol. I've definitely seen one guy I'd call "creepy" at a dungeon, but he was escorted out quickly. What makes one creep stand out from a group of perverts, you ask? He didn't talk to anyone, prowling behind the girls, then tried to get one to leave with him. Red flag! After the book was released, hardware stores were running out of rope and AA batteries sales skyrocketed. The next wave of that is starting now. As a Dom once told me,a guy who has seen one kinky movie is not a safe play-partner. It seems that the BDSM community needs to take responsibility to promote safe practices, so that we aren't unprepared for the flood of newbies.